Ep 37:Lexi Gross LCMHC: Navigating Canceled Plans and Chronic Illness:
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This is a rough transcript created with Artificial Intelligence technology. Any misspellings and sentence errors are a result of imperfect Al.
Hi, everyone. So this was actually a Q and a that Lexi gross. And I did. Um, virtually. And we are definitely going to do more because it's fun to kind of interact with you all in per not in person, it's virtual, but kind of live. Um, so you get to ask questions while we're talking. And it basically is like a podcast episode, but you get to ask questions during it, which is really fun.
So, um, originally I was going to send this out, um, the video and the audio out to everybody who had signed up for this particular Q and a, but I lost the video portion of it. Something went wrong with the video during it. So. I only have the audio piece. Um, but that's okay because I get to turn it into a podcast episode.
And make it available to everyone. So that's what I'm doing now.
And before we get started, I just want to tell you about an upcoming training. That's coming up for therapists. If you're a therapist, then this one is for you. Whether you're an associate therapist, working towards the licensure. Or a fully licensed therapist as well.
On episode 22, we talked to Jennifer Hama. She is a therapist here in Atlanta as well, and she has some really cool stuff for you all. So, um, the first thing is her new clinician expo and it's a really cool live virtual event designed for clinicians who've left grad school within the last year or so.
It's an opportunity to connect with other new clinicians and build a support network.
And you'll also get six core CES approved through LPC AGA.
There'll be six speakers on this day, Friday, July 14th. It's from nine 30 to 4:30 PM. Eastern. And the topics will include setting boundaries as a new therapist, navigating imposter syndrome. Specifically for clinicians seeking licensure, how to network as a new therapist, escaping burnout and hustle culture for the 21st century therapist.
When are you going to move on how to help your client get past the five stages of grief? And the last topic is untapped populations, counseling men in relationships. You'll also get some bonus content, five steps for a smooth road to licensure practice management, building and networking relationships early on how to detect and manage burnout and compassion, fatigue. And you'll earn an additional 5% discount by joining the free membership in therapist to therapist.
And secondly, Jennifer has a really great CE for any therapist called ethics and competencies for counseling people with chronic illness and pain.
This is approved by the LPC AGA. For six ethics hours. i'll put the link to sign up for either of these in the show notes
And now here is the audio version of the webinar that we put on for how to respond to your partner, your chronically ill partner, when they cancel again. Some of the things that people tend to hear a lot when they cancel plans, either they hear nothing and there's kind of just like a unspoken level of disappointment and, um, you know, just.
You can tell that the person who is you're, you're canceling on is disappointed in you, and that never feels good. Um, and it doesn't feel good on, on either side. But the goal of today's workshop is to. Kind of one, try to understand why somebody would cancel last minute in the first place, why they might do it over and over again.
Um, and then if we were gearing this workshop towards people with the chronic illness or people who cancel a lot, then we would be talking to them about ways to. You know, be honest with themselves upfront, you know, uh, weeks before the event or days before the event, and trying to be honest with the people around them and talk about what their needs are and things like that.
But since this is geared towards people who are on, on the receiving end of, um, plans being canceled, we're gonna kind of, we're gonna talk in, in that regard. So just keep in mind, it's, it's a holistic problem, like we wanna look at the whole picture, but. In, you know, in these kind of workshops where, or in therapy or wherever, wherever you're kind of, whenever you are the receiving end of the conversation, we're gonna talk about what is possible for you to do, what you can change or accept or work through.
Lexi, do you have any thoughts about that? I think that, I think part of where we decided to have this focus towards partners or family members of folks with chronic illness is that, um, I know I've gotten a lot of requests or seen then I know that you have as well destiny of, um, Like how, like support in some answers or just a place to ask questions around it, um, where it's like a safe place not to know, whereas maybe your partner or family member who has a chronic illness, like there's already a charged piece in that relationship dynamic that sometimes having that curiosity, um, can like lead to like more challenge.
Um, and so being able to have a kind of safe place not to know, um, and get some skills. Can be supportive and recognizing that on both sides of the relationship, it's really tough. It's like really tough to be in a relationship with someone with a chronic illness. It's also really tough to like maintain a relationship when you have a chronic illness.
What would you say are some of the things people are scared to ask if they're the on the receiving end of being, having plans canceled a lot. Um, I think where I've noticed is I, cause I've worked with some folks who are on the receiving end and it's this place of feeling like they need to swallow their emotions about it or their frustration or disappointment.
Um, and feeling kind of stuck with this place of like, I want to support my partner obviously, and also how do I not, um, abandon myself in that too. And like what's going on? And so often I find a lot of folks kind of just suppressing or ignoring their own response to it, which is very appropriate and leading to, I think just like frustration and sadness and feeling disconnected or missing points of connection because of that.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That I like the way you put that, the missed points of connection. Mm-hmm. Um, Because it then ends up looking like a lot of silence, right? The person on the chronically ill side and who canceled the plans, they're already feeling a lot of shame. They're feeling like, mm-hmm I let this person down and, and you on the receiving end, might feel like you've been let down.
Um, So, yeah, how do we deal with that and how do we accept and acknowledge those emotions? And again, like allow them to be there without them. Then those emotions leading to ruining something in your relationship, you know, causing more anger, um, having a lot of, uh, conflict around it, um, and kind of leading to just more like guilt and shame and kind of this vicious cycle that then keeps that kind of, um, the silence going.
Yeah. So I guess another few things that we hear a lot, um, maybe, maybe we can talk a little bit, uh, Lexi about like unhelpful things that people might say, um, that you might say if you're on the receiving end of plans being canceled. Even when you're trying to be empathetics, there's a few things that are just really unhelpful, um, and not unhelpful because they might hurt the person's feelings that this isn't about walking on eggshells.
It's more about how do we be effective and work together as a team collaboratively so that we can figure out how to make plans in the future that either like. We can make sure that everyone will be able to show up, not out of pure willpower, but out of logistical planning and things like that. Um, yeah.
So I already lost my question. I feel like I asked you a question at the start of that, and then I lost it. It was like some unhelpful things that, um, yeah. Great. So, um, yeah, it's not uncommon of like on the receiving end of like, Hey, I can't make it again, or like, I'm not gonna be able to go today, or like, it's.
Not in the cards. Like, I'm really sorry, X, Y, Z. And response sometimes can be like, well, if you know, if you just like ignore it or if you think positively. Like, I. Experiencing the, if you just have a positive mindset about it, um, or can you just like push through, um, that those feel pretty unhelpful.
Um, more in the way of, from the side of like, uh, the person with chronic illness. Uh, it. It feels like it was already really hard to go back and having to cancel. Um, and then having to go against this boundary that they set already feels like really challenging. Um, and also if they could just think positively and it would be better.
They probably would have already and if things would've been better. Um, so it can kind of create this more disconnect, um, and more in this like communicating at different levels, um, that can lead to some more, uh, frustration. On both sides. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you're pulling, if you're asking them to think positively when they're at a negative space that think, you think about it, like how far away are they from what you're asking them to do.
And if they're down here and you're asking them to be up here, I. Think about like, uh, something just being pulled and stretched beyond its limits. So you are trying to pull it way out here. And so it feels like a really helpful thing. Like, let me help you think positively. I even, I'll support you in it.
You know, sometimes that conversation even looks really, really healthy and that it's like, I can help you. Like, I'll do this so that you can feel this way and, you know, we can make this work. And like it really is coming from a good place. But again, it's, it's stretching. It's stretching. And none of us really like to be stretched thin.
So just kind of think about that imagery as you, when you start to feel that. I need to feel positive and I need them to feel positive, and I need them to just feel better, and I need everything to just be less filled with less tension. When you start to kind of feel that it, you are probably also feeling really stretched, right?
Because if they're, if they're down here and you wanna be up here and you are up here, then they're also kind of stretching you down. So we wanna just be really aware of that. Notice where we're at, where they're at. And we wanna try to find ways to kind of come closer together so that both of us are not so stretched thin.
So, so before I, I, I can give some examples around that, but do you have any extra thoughts around that, Lexi? No. It, I think that that's a really nice visual way to put in and I think it kind of l lends nicely into coming back into, so then what can someone do? In those moments, like what are some of those points of like how to navigate this tricky situation?
And maybe that's where you were heading, um, where you're Yeah, exactly. Yes. So, um, you know, it's not just about like this, okay, what is like a middle ground compromise? Because, you know, if the person is too exhausted, too much pain, they have a migraine, they. Just don't feel well. They're really nauseous, like physically unwell or mentally unwell, like emotionally not feeling well to try to get them to compromise and maybe only come out for an hour or maybe, you know, that still might be too much.
So that compromise might not work. It might, depending on the situation. So you're op, you're welcome to like try that route. But what's gonna be more helpful is starting the conversation off with like, what do you need, like. How can, and, and then also being able to express your needs too. Both of those things have to happen in the conversation for you to both feel like you're now here, even if the outcome.
Isn't what either of you really wanted so, or what one of you really wanted. So yeah, really being open to hearing what your partner's experience is, is gonna be a big part of this. You know, they might be feeling really unwell and it, and it might be really hard for you to understand too, if you don't have that experience with illness fatigue.
Pain and you just don't quite get it. Especially when you know, they, they look fine. They look like nothing's wrong with them. That's a really hard one cuz it, it really, it's dissonant for your brain. It doesn't make sense in your brain. I'm looking at you, you look able, you are sitting up, you're walking like, why can't you Then I.
Go to this thing that you said you were gonna go to. It just looks, it's a very hard thing for someone to understand when you don't have that experience yourself. So again, some of the things are like asking your partner, like, what, what do you need right now? What are you? Um, and they might not always know.
So this is where, you know, this is a lengthy process. This is just a small workshop with like some tips and tricks, but just know like all of this can be a little bit more complex. Um, Yeah. What other, um, kind of conversational stuff, Lexi, uh, tips do you have? Yeah. Um, it, so I, I. Let, let me rewind my thoughts here cause I have a, a number, um, in terms of needs.
It also may be helpful for the person, uh, without the credit illness when responding to also have an idea of what they need to, um, and, and that sometimes takes some skill and time of being able to. Check in and, and we can talk about ways to navigate that and how to, how to figure that out in a little bit.
Um, but being able to come up and even say, it's like, okay, if this is out of the picture today and I really wanna spend time with you, or I was hoping for us to have quality time or to do this, what might you be able to do? What, what might. Be in the realm of possibility today. Um, and that for some people might be an overwhelming question.
And, and in that case, that's okay and be like, can you, can we take, like, can you take like some time to think about it and come back to me? Um, or that opens up the conversation of like, okay, this is what I'm able to do. Like we can. Sit and watch this show together. Um, I, I will sit in the same room while you do this activity and we're kind of doing like parallel play in some way and that is available.
Um, but it can be a piece of just asking like, yeah, what is available? Cuz usually beneath that there is a level of wanting to connect. Um, and now that that plan is there, Sometimes our brain goes into like, oh shit, I can't, like, this isn't available anymore. Um, and it can get really frustrated and like, kind of like shut down and rigid.
But if we're able to slow that down and check in as like, actually we can be flexible once we feel our feelings about it and like what might be a different way that we can connect or spend time together, um, with where we're at. Um, so a lot of it is, um, yeah, asking what, what is available, how can we be together?
Yeah. Yeah. And that learning to be flexible piece, um, you know, again, it's not about just like abandoning yourself in the process, but it is about maybe taking, like Lexi said, like maybe taking some time away before we come back to this conversation. Maybe the partner can't fully tell you what they need.
Maybe you don't fully know what you need. Other than, well, I just need you to not cancel plans. Right. And so that might come up for you. And we have an, I have an acronym that I, I will share with you guys. Um, and it's, uh, I'll write it in the chat. It's ace. Like an ACE bandage. So when you get like a minor scrape or wound, you put on an ACE bandage to like physically help you heal.
And this is an acronym for kind of emotional healing in that minor stuff. So A is for acknowledging or allowing certain feelings to be there. So for you as the person who has been canceled on, you're gonna allow whatever feeling that is. Anger, frustration. Um, disappointment, you know, it's allowed to be there.
But again, what do you now need during that time of disappointment? Do you need to take a, a moment away from the conversation? Do you need to go for a walk? Like do you need to? It might feel like you want to react at your partner, but that isn't going to be what's most helpful. So this ACE acronym is helping you pause and figure out what you need other than just like, let me, let me be mad at you, or let me yell at you, or let me make you feel bad, or guilty, or whatever.
The things, we all have our own kind of defense mechanisms that show up when we're feeling angry, hurt, let down. And then the letter C and the ACE acronym is come back into your body or connect with yourself. So kind of any kind of grounding skill that you already own, that you already have. Um, for some people that's just like taking a deep breath and paying attention to that breath.
For other people, it's kind of looking around your room and kind of just noticing where you are, reminding your body that. You might feel like you're kind of going into fight or flight, but getting kind of really angry. But when we scan our environment and kind of just take a look around where we are, slowly it reminds our nervous system that we're not actually in danger.
So we might still be upset, but our body won't be reacting from a place of fight of survival. Right. So we won't like sinking brain in that way. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a really common like miss. Wording that happens when we start to talk about like, Paying attention and changing the way you react and stuff.
It's really not about changing the fact that you're angry, you're upset, you're this, you're that. It's just about changing the behavior that tends to happen when you're acting from that survival state. So you're still allowed to be upset, but maybe you decide, but I'm not gonna yell. I'm not gonna stonewall, which is like ignoring and just passive aggressively, like not talking to the person cuz you're so angry.
Um, asking for a pause from the conversation and stonewalling, stonewalling, like is again, like it's passive aggressive. It's ignoring, it's, I'm not gonna talk to you. That's, those are two different things. So just kind of keep that in mind. And so once you do that, you kind of acknowledge what's coming up for yourself.
Then you come back into your body with a grounding skill, and we can go over some more of what those grounding skills can look like. The last part is to engage with the world again, or engage with your values. So values are like, who do I wanna be in this world, despite what's going on around me? I might wanna be kind, I might wanna be persistent, I might wanna be courageous, I might wanna be dedicated.
These are different examples of values. So once I've accepted and acknowledged, That this emotion is coming up and I've connected to my body, I've brought some safety into my body, then I can reengage with what's important to me, such as if my partner is important to me and it's important to me that we have a loving, honest, open, re like, calming kind of conversation around something that's really difficult.
Well, I can do that now because I've taken those moments for myself. So, yeah. Any thoughts about that Lexie? Yeah. Um, I would love, I, I'm happy to go into some strategies around like the a and the C aspect of like the acknowledging and the allowing as well as like how, like some skills to help us come back to ourselves.
And sometimes that can happen in conjunction. Um, so if that feels all right, I'm happy to that. Yeah. Um, so, uh, I know. Destiny and I are very, uh, well versed in like emotions and being able to name and label and understand them, especially for ourselves. Um, and some, some people have those skills as well, but sometimes, um, uh, those aren't as well developed of understanding of like what is going on.
And so it can be hard to acknowledge and allow the emotion or the sensation that's going on if we don't know what it's, um, and so. Some ways that you might know that something is going on, especially in the types of emotions that might be showing up or those like physiological responses that might be coming online When our partner.
Canceled again. Yeah. So we're like, disappointed, frustrated, angry, sad. Um, that, that can bring in more what I'm gonna call like activation arousal. So like there might be more tightness, there might like be more heat. Our heart rate might increase a little bit, um, might feel like we are, like words are caught in our throat and these are pretty.
Kinda like an intense version of what, what might be going on. And there might be lesser versions of this. Um, there might be a sense of like having a lot of energy and wanting to move or do something with it and not really knowing how. And so, um, these are all normal responses to cancellations. Um, and so.
If you start to notice that that starts, those things are happening, whether there's an emotion attached to it or not, that's okay. Um, but being able to be with that energy and allowing it to not feel stuck is usually what's gonna help us move through to being able to come back to ourselves as well as engage with our values.
And so some strategies to. Do that is, um, usually maintaining some level of movement, um, because it means that this energy connected to those emotions or that physiological response, um, has like some way to go and it can modulate it enough where it doesn't feel like it gets super intense and kind of like shuts down our thinking brain.
Um, so some strategies for that is it can be, um, fidgeting. I'm a big fidget person. Um, whether it's you have toys or animals that have toys or other things, or you have fidgets is like having something and just like if you're gonna have a conversation about this, like having something in your hands and moving it back and forth or squeezing air, engaging in it.
And this allows some of that activation to have a place to go without it taking over the conversation. So this can happen while you're in a conversation or while this is happening, or if you're needing to take space to go through it. So it can be engaging in that way. It can be some pacing. Can I. Oh, go ahead.
Yeah, can I just give a caveat to that? Cuz like, so when we are moving that way, it might be helpful for us and it could also be activating for the other person if they're kind of calm and still like the person who's canceled. Maybe they're like laying in bed, right? If the energy is like such a mismatch, it, it could feel inherently dangerous to their nervous system.
But your job in this. Role here is to, again, take care of yourself. So if that's what you need to do in order to keep yourself calm, then you can also verbalize that like, I'm fidgeting because I'm, I'm angry, and I'm just like, I need to move this energy out. Like if you want me to, Go, go in the other room and come like, you know, there are options you can do to kind of, to work through that.
Which again, this is where like kind of uh, more individualized help could be really helpful for you because you've got two different nervous systems at play, but these are just options for helping you maintain. A sense of stability and really difficult emotions. So I just wanted to add that in there.
Lexi, thank you so much. It's really great. Yeah. Um, yeah, because this can be a playing around with, once you know the dynamic and the relationship of like, okay, when this happens, like, great, I need to go take some space and this is what you do. Or as you're talking it's like I, yeah, I, I need to move a little bit while we're having this cuz I'm trying to process through my response right now.
It has nothing to do with like you in this way. It's like me trying to navigate. This response. Um, so yeah, the movement or the fidgeting and those are gonna be more like, probably more exaggerated versions of this. Some other ways to still engage and maybe it not be as, Quote, unquote loud in terms of body language.
It can just be, um, checking in with your feet. If you're sitting and standing and, and op like scrunching, tensing your feet and opening up your clo toes can be wiggling or noticing your toes in different ways and bringing your attention to your feet. It can also be engaging the muscles in your legs while you're sitting or standing and then relaxing them.
And this also engages some of that, um, I'm gonna use the term like mobilized energy, just like energy that wants to organize. And so we're helping given a place to like, organize and like a job to do. And that usually helps things like start to regulate a little bit more. Um, you can also do this with your hands and your arms.
So kind of like slowly opening and closing your hands in fists. Um, Or touching different parts of your fingers and noticing that these are other ways that, yeah. Tuning into it's like, all right, I have limbs. All of this energy that maybe came up and feels really stuck or like hard or like constricted, helps to remind our brain that like, we have more space in our body.
So that the, that energy that that kind of stuck feeling can start to maybe spread out a little bit to not feel as, um, intense right away. Um, so those are kind of a combination of how to connect to yourself while also allowing the physiological response to happen. Um, and. That might be that you need to do this away from your partner.
It might be that you do it together. Um, and then going into what Destiny talked about is once we've kind of allowed that response to happen, connecting back to self for the present moment can be almost like coming back into the room. So, That might be taking your attention for more internal and more and put it more external, and doing more of that orienting and kind of slowly scanning the room and noticing.
Where your eyes land. Um, or touching into different senses that feel available to notice. Cuz sometimes sight is too overwhelming. Um, that maybe we just like need to go in a different room and just close our eyes and notice different sounds or the silence, um, or just notice, um, the texture of like our clothing or a different thing and like maybe touches more available and that can help us come back.
Into our bodies, but also like into our environment before maybe going into the next process of the E, which is that engage. Yeah. And just to be really clear, like the purpose of, you know, touching your fingers or like looking around the room, again, it's, it's not to shut down your emotions. It's actually so that you can acknowledge them without so much activation in your body.
It's quite a different experience to be able to say like, I'm feeling. I'm feeling let down right now without it being tied to the activation of when I feel let down, I have to yell, I have to scream, I have to run away. I have to, um, you know, do some of these things that most of us are trying to not do when it comes to our loved ones.
So you can be both disappointed. And also not behave in that way. Um, without it also looking like you've just numbed it and you're pretending you don't care. Cuz that's really not the goal either cuz that just always ends up boomeranging back. And then I would just add one other really. Easy way to add in.
Um, the a the, the acknowledge what's happening is the feelings wheel. So I'll just share my screen really quickly. Um, lots of us have seen this, lots of us haven't, but this wheel just allows you to say, okay, you're feeling fearful, right? Well, what kind of fearful are you feeling? Scared, anxious, insecure.
And then even further, if you're feeling insecure, is that from a place of feeling inadequate or inferior? And sometimes this feels, all, this can all feel like they mean exactly the same thing. But the more you practice these words and labeling your experience, you'll start to feel the difference between what inadequacy feels like versus inferiority and.
When you do this, this, this tool can be used very kind of cognitively, but somatically, this tool is really good in noticing what's happening in your body when you feel these feelings. So you might notice that when you feel helpless, you kind of feel like collapsing into your chair, and this is where you can kind of go into like, I don't care.
I don't care about any of this. I don't care about you anymore. I'm tired of this. I can't do this anymore. Whereas if you're feeling maybe worthless because them canceling on you makes you feel like you're not worthy. Then worthless. Maybe that puts you more into a fight stance. So maybe that's where you wanna scream and yell and kind of do some of these, these other things that are more of a, a fighting stance.
So we're really just getting in tune with our nervous system, understanding how this emotion feels like this in my body, and I am allowed to experience that. I'm allowed to feel that. And when I do, when I put a word to it and I acknowledge it, and I allow it to be there, notice how you will notice. How your nervous system will actually feel relief.
Because as soon as your experience is validated, we feel relief in our nervous system. So that's really the, that's the whole goal here is validating yourself and knowing that you're allowed, again, allowed to feel all of these feelings, cuz it is frustrating when plans get canceled. And also how do you wanna show up in your relationship despite that happening?
And when you show up calmer, you can have calmer conversations and actually come to understandings with one another rather than it just being like, this is never gonna change and I don't know how to handle this. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. And, and I think some of this is trial and error as you get to know yourself.
Um, and yeah, it's relationship by relationship point that it, it's gonna be experimental depending on what, what's gonna work out. And if you and your partner have the. Capacity and relationship to acknowledge that of like, we might get it wrong, but like, if we're gonna try and do this differently, this is, this might be how it goes and this is what I'm gonna do to try and like, figure this out and maybe come communicate better.
Um, and these points can help for feedback in the future of like when it may be that you figure out that when the person needs to cancel, Then great, we have this system that's in place and this is how we respond and these are the helpful questions for me to ask. And this is how I can go take care of myself.
That it's like predicted and it, and it's um, and there's like things that are gonna happen so that on both sides, there's person who had to cancel, knows that you are gonna take care of yourself, um, and that it is okay for them to cancel in this relationship, that they can, that, that there's still going to be connection and there's not gonna be, Too much rupture and that you all can handle it.
Um, and there's. On their end of like, okay, I need to spend time and figure out like what do I need or how can we still stay in connection? And that's my job in bringing back to this relation or this conversation. And then the other person does their thing to take care of themselves and know like, okay, this is how I need to, how we can work this out and figure it out and this is what I need to figure out.
Um, And that takes time and practice. Um, and it's different for each relationship dynamic. Um, there was another thought in my brain that, oh, um, it, and another piece is that, um, I think I find with. On both sides of clients who have chronic illness and are struggling in relationship with others as well as those who are in relationship with those with chronic illness is, um, the person with a chronic illness is not always the best place to process your emotions about how their illness affects your relationship.
Um, there can be a time in place for that to happen. But not always the best place for it, just depending on where they are at, um, what just happened. But you are kinda like what Destiny says, like you were allowed to be disappointed and frustrated and angry that we canceled again. I. And if there's a lot of processing that needs to happen around how their chronic illness is continuing to maybe affect your life and your responses, um, that needs to find a different place initially to, to process that before being able to have just a conversation of like, Hey, also like I.
You know, this affects me too. It's like it that isn't always appropriate. And so sometimes that looks like therapy. Sometimes that looks like other support from other friends, family, um, or support networks for those folks, um, before those conversations can happen. And I would just, yeah, I would definitely wanna illuminate that point a a lot because it is so important to have community outside of your partnership for a wide range of issues, including this one.
And to just make sure that when you are using that community to vent and express frustration that you are at least going to people who. Have a level head around this, you know? So I think we all can kind of, we might have friends or family members where we can get into like event fest that you know, the other person's just like, yeah, and how dare they do that?
And if that's what you're looking for, then it's likely that. Like that hearts your relationship. And so if you're on the way out of your relationship, then maybe that's, that's okay. But if you're trying to keep this relationship together and like long term is what you're looking for, you really wanna find people who are, who are gonna help you feel.
Like you can handle this, like you can get through this issue again, that you're allowed to vent about it, but the receiving, the person who's receiving your venting should then be able to say like, wow, that's incredibly hard. I'm here for you and I. Like, what do you wanna do about it? You know, not just like, yeah, how dare they, they're terrible for you.
Like, you know, we wanna go to people who we want to learn from, not people who are just gonna like, validate and exacerbate, exacerbate the anger.
Yeah. I'm wondering if, if you have any questions so far, kinda leave some space for that.
If anything comes up, you can feel free to chime in or even write it in the chat. Um, or thoughts are welcome to. Um, so yeah, we've given so far some kind of mind body connection education, as well as, um, examples of specific skills that you can use. Um, And all these skills take time to develop.
So working with, uh, someone who understands them and, you know, a therapist or anybody who can, um, who understands that mind body connection and, and these kind of skills would be good. Um, and then I. Also, so we talked a little bit about kind of specific phrases, um, but even more around that like to, to decrease defense mechanisms, you know, like we mentioned earlier, like what do you need is a good one.
Although that can also be a little bit overwhelming if the person doesn't know what they need. Um, some other phrases would be like, Look, I'm really frustrated right now, but like, it's fine. We're gonna get through this together. Like we'll talk about it again later tomorrow or you know, after we've taken some space cuz like I'm really frustrated and that's allowed.
Um, and so just validating statements that validate the both your own emotions and that the other person who has canceled the plans. They have a right to do that, right? Like, you know, we're not bound by by these, um, we're not bound by plans, like things happen all the time. And, um, the person with a chronic illness can learn how to kind of figure out what situations they do best in and which they don't do well in.
And therefore maybe say no upfront to things that. They already know are gonna be really hard for them. Um, but again, that's a skill for them to learn. If you know, though that your partner doesn't do well in a certain type of environment, you can also give them permission out. Maybe not even ask them to like, do that thing in the first place.
I'm allowed, you know, you, you are allowed to do that. Um, like, Hey, I really wanna go out with so-and-so Friday night. I know that this scene isn't really yours. Like, is that cool? I I want to go out with them. Like, you're welcome to come if you want to, but. I, I kind of, you know, you don't have to, so giving permission in that way too, cuz you do know your partner, right?
And you probably even know when your partner says yes to something and they, they are gonna cancel. Like, you probably already know that if you've been together for a while. So. The reason why they're likely still kind of telling you they're gonna go knowing that they're not going to later is because they really are fighting with themselves about what they should do versus what they're actually capable of doing or they feel capable of doing.
So it's a reciprocal relationship and if you can give permission upfront, then that can be really helpful. Um, so we want assertive but compassionate kind of communication. Um, And then lastly, we talked a lot about just increasing awareness around your own wants and needs. And the reason it can feel kind of counterintuitive, like if I'm bringing increased awareness to my wants and needs, won't I be more upset if then the other person doesn't give it to me?
And it's like, no, because learn part of what's important about learning what your wants and needs are or learning. How to get those needs met. Also, not from the person in front of you. Sometimes it's friends, sometimes it's your family. You know, we really do require community in order to to thrive. So figuring out who in your community can give you certain wants and needs that isn't just your partner, um, can be really helpful.
So the more you understand what your needs are, the better awareness you then also have around who can give, can get those needs met. Which in that way allows more flexibility, that psychological flexibility aspect so that, um, when that comes up often we can, when, when those defense mechanisms come on, or like those intense emotions come on of not being able to do the thing.
Sometimes our ability to be flexible and to have more perspective goes down, but when we're able to. Identify of like, oh, no, I, I, I can get these needs met elsewhere of like, maybe I was wanting that loving love and belonging and that connection and community piece and thought that I was gonna get it with my partner in this way.
But now it's like, no, I can maybe still go to this thing for a little bit and then come back or find different ways for that to happen. Or like, I wanted to have fun and I was really looking forward to it, but okay, now I'm just gonna need to find a. It's a different way to have fun, um, and a different way to get that need, need met.
Um, in that way that yeah, can allow for more of that flexibility. Yeah. Yeah. And if your goal was just to have connection with your partner, you know, it was date night or whatever, then like Lexi mentioned earlier, then kind of figuring out, okay, we can't go out tonight, but like, What do we both enjoy at home and, and can we be really intentional about that?
You know, not just like another night of TV before bed, but more like maybe we order our favorite food in and do like just, you know, light a candle and like do something intentional that makes it a little bit different than your average every other night where you guys maybe watch TV before bed kind of thing.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think that's all I have on my end. Lexi, do you have any other thoughts or anything that's important to share? Um, I'm just looking through my notes and I think I, I realized that I wrote down kinda big the two words, like slow down. Um, yeah, that's something that we. Alluded to in this, and it takes time, but being able to work towards slowing down our responses and reactions usually is going to lead to less miscommunication, less projection of feelings onto each other.
More ability to, um, yeah, communicate and, and connect. So just another way to is like trying to learn how to slow down our responses. Yeah. Yeah. That's where that pause piece that we talked about earlier can come in. You know, sometimes you do really just have to take a step away. Eventually the goal is like you can learn to slow down your thoughts enough that you can remain in the conversation, kind of talk it out.
Although both parties kind of have to have this ability to kind of slow down and pause. Um, otherwise we can really kind of, we start to jump in and, you know, um, be going too fast, would look like. Interrupting each other, um, not really hearing what the other person just said. Like they said something and you're like, well, I, this, this is in, this, this.
Like, you can only hear what's in your own head and you haven't really heard them. Um, so that's kind of, that's an example of what it looks like to maybe be going too fast and that that gives you, um, a, an image of what you can pick. If that's happening, then, you know, okay. This just happened. I need to take a step back and slow down and maybe even, you know, walk away for a moment, come back to the conversation, um, things like that.
But slowing down is really important.
Episode Summary and Notes
Life is filled with uncertainties, and plans can often be canceled at the last minute due to various reasons. While these changes can be challenging for anyone, they can be particularly tough for those who are on the receiving end of such cancellations. In this blog, we're going to explore this issue and discuss how you can navigate this situation, particularly in the context of chronic illness. So, if you've ever found yourself in a position where you've had to cope with the disappointment of canceled plans, this article is for you. We'll be focusing on what you can do, what you can change, accept, or work through.
The Challenge of Being a Supportive Partner:
Chronic illness can bring about a unique set of challenges for both the person with the illness and their partner or family members. Lexi and I have noticed that many people in this situation are often left with questions and emotions they don't know how to address. For partners or family members, supporting someone with a chronic illness can be especially complicated due to the charged dynamics within the relationship.
Creating a Safe Space to Discuss:
One of the key reasons for focusing on partners and family members of individuals with chronic illness is the need for a safe space to discuss concerns and seek answers. Partners and family members often feel the weight of the responsibility to support their loved ones while suppressing their own emotions and frustrations. This suppression can lead to feelings of frustration, sadness, and disconnection within the relationship.
Addressing the Silence:
The silence that often ensues when plans are canceled is a significant issue. The person with the chronic illness may feel ashamed for letting their loved one down, and the partner on the receiving end may feel abandoned. This silence can lead to further complications, such as anger, conflict, guilt, and shame. It's crucial to acknowledge and accept these emotions while preventing them from negatively impacting the relationship.
Unhelpful Things to Avoid Saying:
When someone you care about cancels plans due to their chronic illness, it's essential to be empathetic and understanding. However, certain phrases and responses can be unhelpful and counterproductive. For instance, suggesting that they simply "think positively" or "push through" can be frustrating and unhelpful. Instead, the focus should be on collaborative problem-solving and effective communication.
Virtual Q&A Sessions: A Fun Twist on the Traditional Podcast
We recently hosted a virtual Q&A session with Lexi, and it was such a success that we plan to do more of them. It's a fantastic way to interact with our audience in real-time, much like a live podcast episode. During these sessions, you can ask questions while we discuss various topics. Our initial plan was to share both the video and audio recordings with our audience, but due to a technical glitch, we only have the audio. No worries, though – we've decided to turn it into a podcast episode!
Dealing with Canceled Plans: The Emotional Rollercoaster
Now, let's get back to our main topic for today – navigating the complex emotions that come with canceled plans. Whether you're the one canceling or on the receiving end of cancellations, it can be a challenging situation. We'll primarily focus on how to handle the emotional turmoil when you're the one feeling let down.
Understanding the Emotions
When someone cancels plans, especially last minute, a wave of emotions can wash over you. You might feel disappointed, frustrated, angry, sad, or even helpless. It's crucial to understand and acknowledge these feelings before reacting. The first step is to recognize what's happening inside you.
One useful tool is the "Feelings Wheel." It's a visual representation of different emotions and can help you pinpoint exactly what you're feeling. Identifying your emotions is a critical first step in addressing them.
Allowing and Acknowledging Your Emotions
Once you've identified your emotions, the next step is to allow and acknowledge them. It's essential to remember that it's okay to feel the way you do. We often put pressure on ourselves to "think positively" or "be strong," but that's not always helpful. If you're disappointed or frustrated, it's valid to feel that way.
Grounding Techniques to Come Back to Yourself
To avoid reacting impulsively, use grounding techniques to connect with yourself and stay in the present moment. These techniques help you recenter and prevent your emotions from overwhelming you. Here are some effective grounding strategies:
Movement: Engaging in gentle movements, like fidgeting or pacing, can help release built-up energy and tension.
Focusing on Your Feet: Pay attention to your feet. Wiggle your toes, tense, and release your foot muscles. This simple practice connects you to your body.
Engaging Your Hands: Squeeze and release your fists or touch various parts of your fingers. This helps release physical tension.
Orienting to Your Environment: If you're sitting or standing, take a moment to look around the room. Notice objects, colors, and textures. This practice can help shift your focus from internal turmoil to the external world.
Using the Senses: Pay attention to different sensory experiences, like sounds, textures, and smells. This can help you reestablish a connection to the present moment.
These grounding techniques can help you acknowledge your emotions without getting lost in them, maintaining a calm and composed state.
Engaging with Your Values
Once you've allowed and acknowledged your emotions and reconnected with yourself, the final step is to engage with your values. Consider who you want to be in your relationship and what's important to you. This step allows you to respond thoughtfully rather than reactively.
Remember, these processes may take time and practice to become more natural for you. It's essential to be patient with yourself and willing to adapt. Every relationship is unique, and these strategies may need to be tailored to fit your specific circumstances.
Choosing the Right Support System: When seeking to vent or express frustration, it's important to reach out to people who have a level head and can offer constructive support. Ranting to friends or family who simply validate your anger without offering productive solutions can be detrimental to your relationships.
Balancing Validation and Problem-Solving: Effective communication involves acknowledging your emotions and those of your partner, as well as discussing potential solutions. It's not just about venting; it's about working together to find a way forward.
Increased Self-Awareness: Becoming more aware of your wants and needs can help you better understand how to get those needs met. This self-awareness can also lead to more flexibility in your relationships and reduce the pressure on your partner to fulfill all your emotional needs.
Slowing Down Responses: Slowing down your responses, both in thought and conversation, is crucial for productive communication. Pausing and taking a step back can prevent misunderstandings and arguments and allow for more constructive discussions.
Flexibility in Plans: Recognizing that plans may need to change due to unforeseen circumstances, like chronic illness, is essential. Being flexible and finding alternative ways to connect or have fun can help maintain a healthy relationship.
Conclusion
Dealing with canceled plans can be challenging, but it's an opportunity for personal growth and strengthened relationships. By acknowledging your emotions, grounding yourself, and aligning with your values, you can navigate these situations with grace and resilience. Remember that it's okay to feel disappointed or frustrated, and it's equally okay to take care of yourself and handle these emotions constructively.
Feel free to check out the podcast for additional insights and information.
Contact Lexi for individual and group therapy if you’re a resident of Oregon or North Carolina.